Worn

Hey there, blogger friends.  Last week was a tough one, but God gave me glimpses of hope bit by bit.  I was driving home one day from taking Madelyn to gymnastics and the Christian band, Tenth Avenue North, were special guests on KLOVE radio station.  I tuned in just in time to hear the song, "Worn" from there new album, "The Stuggle."  When I pulled into my driveway the song was still playing but I couldn't turn off the radio.  I had to listen to the end.  So there I was, car running, radio on, tears streaming, as God gave me a glimpse of His hope in that song.   If you feel tired, worn, the weight of the world dragging you down; listen to this song and be renewed by His hope.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g7DS1aUV8e8&feature=related

Carlton's Inmost Parts

Carlton on his first day of 5th grade.  Isn't he handsome?

Yesterday was a difficult afternoon for parenting my boy.  Carlton has struggled this summer with increased social anxiety.  Yesterday was his first day of tennis class.  Same facility, same teacher.  We pulled up to his lesson and there on the tennis courts were at least 15 kids ranging from high school to Carlton's age.  Carlton being by far the smallest.  I knew when I pulled the car in the parking space we were in trouble.  Carlton is used to about three kids in his tennis class.  The amount of kids completely freaked him out.  His coach said he could wait to join his group after warm ups, but that didn't help.  There wasn't a single person in his class that he knew.  Two big anxiety triggers for him:  size and new people.  I left with him in tears and me with mixed emotions.  He cried and I cried on the way home.  You see, even if his anxiety triggers seem silly to me, I have to honor and respect them.  Because to him, they are VERY real.

I asked him on our drive home why he was so afraid of being in a class with people he doesn't know.  He said, "Because I'm afraid if I mess up they will think I am not any good."  As a Mom, my heart broke.  I know I encourage him.  I know he isn't put down at home or at school, so where is this coming from?  How do I help him?

Madelyn and I had read Psalm 139 together one night early this week.  I remembered some specific passages and  wanted to go back and pray these verses for Carlton.

  "O Lord, You have searched Carlton and known Carlton.

You know Carlton's sitting down and Carlton's rising up;

You understand Carlton's thoughts afar off.

You comprehend Carlton's path and Carlton's lying down,

And are acquainted with all Carlton's ways.

For there is not a word on Carlton's tongue,

But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.

You have hedged Carlton behind and before,

And laid Your hand upon Carlton.

Such knowlegde is too wonderful for me; (his Mom)

It is high, I cannot attain it.

Where can Carlton go from Your Spirit?

Or where can Carlton flee from Your presence? (vs.1-7)

God knows ALL Carlton's thoughts.  God is acquainted with ALL his ways.  God has hedged Carlton in His protective arms.  There is no where Carlton can go that God's presence is not with him.  I, as his Mom, can only TRY to figure out his thoughts, but God already knows them.  I have to ask God to give me wisdom and trust that even in the midst of his anxiety, God knows why it is happening.  God can USE me, his teachers, his coaches, his doctors to help him, but only God knows the answers.  Have I completely put my trust in Him to help Carlton?  Until today, I honestly don't think I have.  I have searched for answers and help in everyone and everything I can.  Yes, I prayed for him, but I don't think I prayed with FAITH that God could work.  ONLY GOD through me and everyone involved in his life will be able to help him because God knows him more intimately than I ever could.  Why?

"For you formed Carlton's inward parts;

You covered Carlton in my womb.

I will praise You, for Carlton is fearfully and wonderfully made;

Marvelous are Your works,

And that my soul knows very well.

When Carlton was made in secret,

And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.

Your eyes saw Carlton's substance, being yet unformed.

And in Your book they all were written,

The days fashioned for Carlton,

When as yet there were none of them." (v.13-16)

Sometimes I think, as a parent, I want Carlton to be different.  I mean, why wouldn't I?  He has ADHD, struggles with anxiety, has "poopy problems" (as we like to call them) and now has been diagnosed with a milk protein allergy!  What Mom wouldn't want better for their child?  But deep down inside, in my deepest part, am I trying too hard to make him into someone other than who God created him to be?  My prayer for myself in that question is this:

"Search me, O God, and know my heart;

Try me, and know my anxieties;

And see if there is any wicked way in me,

And lead me in the way everlasting." (v.23-24)

I also need to remember God has a plan for my little man.  He really does!  Sometimes I doubt that.  Yes, often my faith that God can take these problems and work them for his good wavers exponentially!  God, please help me to believe the following from Your Word:

"For I know the plans I have for Carlton, declares the Lord, 

plans to prosper Carlton and not to harm him,

plans to give Carlton a hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11

A shrub or a tree? Which will we be?

Yesterday was a difficult day.  Our checking account was in the negative, and for the second time in a row, we didn't have enough money in the practice account to pay our salary.  Even worse, is the fact that we have maxed out our business credit line at the bank.  Paul continues to see new patients, and every week is busier.  But money drizzles in from the insurance companies and we need it to pour!  I found myself scared yesterday, praying that God would somehow provide during all this.  As is typical of God, he reached down this morning and gave me a glimmer of hope.  He asked me, "Do you want to be a shrub or a tree?"

My devotion this morning was about trusting in God and finding triumph through trust. 

"Those who know Your name trust in You because You have not abandoned those who seek You, Yahweh."  Psalm 9:10

Trusting God isn't a guarantee that life will go just as we want.  Trust isn't a magic wand we can wave to make everything okay.  Boy, don't I wish it was though! Trusting God means knowing He has a plan for our lives, and that plan is perfect.  It is hard to trust  in the middle of uncertain circumstances.   Jeremiah 17:5-8,  compares a man who trusts in himself to a shrub living in the desert.  Umm...a shrub can't live in the desert.  It will thirst, whither and die. Jeremiah goes on to compare a man who trusts in God to a tree planted by a river.  It runs its roots into the water, its leaves are always green and it bears fruit.   It never fears during heat or drought.  

I want to be a tree!  I want to run my roots into Jesus, the Living Water.  I want to bear fruit even in the most difficult of times.  Because if the world can't see me bear fruit when things are rough than they probably won't see much difference in me.  But in order to be that tree, I have to dive into God's Word, which is my sustenance.  I have to pray that God will help me trust Him even when I may not be able to see a solution to my current problem.

Life the past couple of weeks has been busy and we are trying to adjust to our summer schedule.  In the midst of the business I haven't been reading my Bible or doing much praying.  When I think about it, I've felt like a shrub in the wilderness; thirsty and withering ever so slowly.  God gave me water for today's journey.  Now it is up to me each day to make a choice:  shrub or tree?  Which one will I be?

Thanks for reading.  Until next time~ hang in there and hold on to Jesus!

Jennifer

Between a Mom & a Daughter: Summer Fun

Me & Sarah on our first trip to TX after she was married.

Happy Monday, bloggers!  Sarah had the great idea of writing about our summer experiences together.  How we spent our summers when she was growing up and how we have transitioned now that she is a grown woman, married and living very far away from her Mama! (Can you tell I'm a little bitter about the living far away thing?)  Anyway...Sarah and I kinda laughed last night when she brought up my summer schedules.  If you haven't noticed yet from previous posts, I am so a Type A personality!  But boy has God taught me over the years that it isn't always gonna go as I have planned.

When Sarah was growing up we would have certain days of the week designated for certain activities.  For example, one day a week we would go to the library or the pool.  We even had a craft day!  Was I not the Mom.com or what?  Be sure and check out Sarah's blog post as I'm sure she have some funny things to share.  Things seemed to be so much easier back then.  I realized a couple of years ago that things were easier back then because we had Miss Betty.  Miss Betty was a dear friend, who sometimes drove us nuts, but was always there for us.  I learned a lot of my home skills from Miss Betty.  She was there to do laundry and ironing twice a week, clean house, buy groceries (when Carlton was young) and take care of the kids when needed.  Boy did I have it made or what?  Thank God for Miss Betty during those years.  It helped me be a better mother to all the children.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still a scheduler with Carlton and Madelyn.  This summer we will be going to the pool on Fridays after Miss Madelyn finishes gymnastics practice.  They will be doing chores around the house and working on new "independent living skills" as I like to call them.  And of course there will be crafts at some point!  There are special things I want to do with them, but I can't do near as much with them as I was able to do with Sarah and her brother and sister.  They just don't know how lucky there were! (I'm sure Sarah is grinning right now.)

As for the transition now that Sarah is older, we try to see each other once during the summer.  Paul, me and Carlton and Madelyn have gone to TX the past two years during spring break to visit Sarah and Jeff.  Sarah is planning on coming to NE for a few days in August and possibly bringing her sweet friend, Morgan too.  We have to learn to be thankful for the time we do have together, make the most of it, and laugh at those "learning" years as I like to call them.

To all you Moms and daughters reading:  Have a great summer and make some memories!  Even if you do look back on them and laugh.  That's half the fun!

Happy Memorial Day

Good morning and happy Memorial Day!  Sarah and I wanted to do a special post today in honor and memory of her Mom, Juanita Kampfe (Sissy), and all our family members who have served our country in the Armed Forces.  Sarah is talking about her Mom's death and how she dealt with such a tragic loss in her life.  She will also be discussing her adjustment to a new Mom (me) and how God has worked in her life through the death of her Mom.  I know you will want to read her post, so check it out!!http://twopeepsandapooch.blogspot.com/

I discussed in our very first mother daughter blog how the news of Sissy's death affected me.  God used that situation to not only have me become "instant Mom," as we like to call it, but also to mold me and shape me in what were some pretty difficult circumstances.  The first year of our marriage was much more difficult that I had anticipated.  I remember moving into the house and having to clean out Sissy's night stand beside the bed that she and Paul had once shared together.  I think that was when real life started to hit me.  I began to feel emotions of jealousy, anger, and resentment. You name it and I probably felt it.  I sought counseling and through the help of my counselor and God I worked through the emotions.  My break through came when I asked Paul to drop me off at Sissy's grave.  There I stood at the grave site of a woman whose "ghost" had been haunting me for months.  In the moments that followed I laid it all out.  I yelled, I cried, I just released it all.  That was the beginning of my healing process.  Notice I said the beginning.  I had years more work ahead of me!  Now, almost 13 years later, I know I am a better person by going through all the adjustments and emotions that came with becoming the Mom of three children whose mother had passed away.  I am so grateful to God for blessing me with Sarah, Nathan and Laura who immediately called me "Mom."  Children who would become upset when their friends in Virginia would refer to me as "their step mom."  Children who could have hated me and felt I was trying to take the place of Sissy, but instead welcomed me with open arms and clung to me with all the love they had.  God has poured out His love to me through them.  No, the road has not been easy.  It has been marked with pot holes that felt like bottomless pits; with speed bumps that slowed me down to a crawl; running off the side of the road into many ditches, and feeling like I was completely out of gas!   God's grace somehow kept me going.  It has only been since about three years ago, that I can hear the kid's talk about Sissy and not become jealous.  That I can look at her picture and not feel some twinge of something weird inside me.  God brought me through with so many blessings!

In closing, I would like to say, "Thank you" to the following family members for their service to our country.  May we NEVER forget the freedoms we have because of you.  My grandfather, Carl Carlton, who served in the U.S. Navy. My Dad, who also served in the Navy.  Juanita Kampfe, Sarah's Mom, who served in the Air Force.  (Sorry this picture is side ways.  It is a picture of Sarah and her brother and sister after doing a rubbing of their Mom's grave stone before we moved from Virginia.)  I would like to give a special thank you to my brother, Mike Carlton, who enrolled in the Army when I was just a little girl.  You have been such an example of sacrifice, strength and bravery to me. I remember when you were away serving in Desert Storm.  I wore one of your military coats around all winter with a yellow ribbon pinned to it.  I was so proud to be your sister!  Thank you, Mike!  Also, to my friend Trisha Aldag, whose husband, Rich, serves in the National Guard.  I know her family has sacrificed for our country as Rich has been away serving.  One more thank you to our new neighbors, Michael and Elizabeth Mitchell.  May God bless each of you and your families for your service.



My Dad, Fred Carlton who served in the Navy.





My brother, Mike Carlton, who served in the Army.



My Grandfather, Carl Carlton, who served in the Navy.

Juanita Kampfe, who served in the Air Force.

Between a Mom & Daughter: Happy Mother's Day



Carlton & Madelyn with me, Mother's Day 2012

 As I sit here, laptop in hand, trying to decide what to type, I find myself reflecting on yesterday - Mother's Day.  I'm finding it difficult to decide what to write about, and this topic was MY idea!

Yesterday was a wonderful day.  I find myself thankful on Mother's Day.  I am thankful for my godly mother.  Thankful for all the wonderful memories I have of her and our time together growing up.  I hope my children can look back with similar special memories.  I am thankful that God chose to bless me with adopting Sarah, Nathan and Laura.  I am thankful that God allowed me to carry and birth two beautiful children, Carlton & Madelyn.  I find myself thankful for many things. 

I also find myself hopeful.  Hopeful that my children will see Christ in me.  Hopeful that, despite my many flaws and many mistakes, God will mold my children and make them more like Him each day.  Hopeful that with each passing year, God continues to teach me how to be a woman, wife and mother who is set apart. 



Me & Lola, Mother's Day 2012



Me & Sarah, Easter 2012

P.S.  Sorry for no pictures of Nathan.  He was working yesterday :(  And don't forget to check out Sarah's post @  http://twopeepsandapooch.blogspot.com/2012/05/between-mom-daughter-happy-mothers-day.html

Between a Mom & Daughter: Mom AND Friend?

Good morning Moms and Daughters!  Sarah and I decided we would just dive right in dealing with some big topics.  This week's topic is about being a Mom and a friend.  Some Moms out there may think you cannot or should not be both.  But hear me out on this.  You see, I was always a Mom to Sarah.  I was also a friend, and she didn't even realize it.  It was the same way with my Mom.  I knew she and my Dad were in control of the home, but it wasn't until I was married that I realized she was my friend and had been all along.  You may completely understand where I'm going with this or you may be boggled by my comments.  Either way, let me explain.

Yes, I set rules and expectations for Sarah.  She had driving rules, a curfew, dating rules, chores to do, grades to keep up, expectations on how her room should be kept - the list could go on and on.  That was the Mom part.  I also did fun stuff with her like shopping, crafts, planned special parties, helped with prom - this list could go on and on too.  That was the friend part.  But wait...there's more.  Sarah knew she could come and talk to me about anything.  And she usually did.  Her and a roommate from college (if you're reading this, you know who you are), will always remember the "sex" talk we had on the floor of my bathroom when they were seniors in high school.  You see, Moms, if we don't talk to them about important topics, someone else will and who knows who that someone will be or what they will tell our daughters.  Wouldn't you rather your daughter hear the truth, especially about sex, from you. This allows you the opportunity to instill in her the importance of sexual purity. This doesn't mean you have to sit down and have some uncomfortable discussion.  It's actually just the opposite!  When she asks you questions, which she will, just honestly answer them.  Don't you want your friends to be honest with you?  Shouldn't we as mothers give that same respect to our daughters?  I will never forget the night, at 21 years old, that I laid on my Mom's bed crying and asking her why I couldn't have sex before I was married.  I KNEW why, but I was struggling and just needed my Mom's reassurance that everything was for a reason.  She didn't freak out that I was dealing with that issue.  She listened and encouraged me.  She was my friend!  To this day I can still talk to her about almost anything as I know Sarah can with me.

I kinda got on the "sex" bandwagon, but there are so many other topics this principle can apply to as well.  Be your daughter's Mom, but have fun with her. Develop a relationship with her.  Talk to her - about anything - even if it makes you uncomfortable.  You'll be glad you did.  Because down the road, probably after she's married, it will hit her that you were her Mom AND her friend all along.

Don't forget to check out Sarah's post from a daughter's perspective!  http://twopeepsandapooch.blogspot.com/