Carlton's Inmost Parts

Carlton on his first day of 5th grade.  Isn't he handsome?

Yesterday was a difficult afternoon for parenting my boy.  Carlton has struggled this summer with increased social anxiety.  Yesterday was his first day of tennis class.  Same facility, same teacher.  We pulled up to his lesson and there on the tennis courts were at least 15 kids ranging from high school to Carlton's age.  Carlton being by far the smallest.  I knew when I pulled the car in the parking space we were in trouble.  Carlton is used to about three kids in his tennis class.  The amount of kids completely freaked him out.  His coach said he could wait to join his group after warm ups, but that didn't help.  There wasn't a single person in his class that he knew.  Two big anxiety triggers for him:  size and new people.  I left with him in tears and me with mixed emotions.  He cried and I cried on the way home.  You see, even if his anxiety triggers seem silly to me, I have to honor and respect them.  Because to him, they are VERY real.

I asked him on our drive home why he was so afraid of being in a class with people he doesn't know.  He said, "Because I'm afraid if I mess up they will think I am not any good."  As a Mom, my heart broke.  I know I encourage him.  I know he isn't put down at home or at school, so where is this coming from?  How do I help him?

Madelyn and I had read Psalm 139 together one night early this week.  I remembered some specific passages and  wanted to go back and pray these verses for Carlton.

  "O Lord, You have searched Carlton and known Carlton.

You know Carlton's sitting down and Carlton's rising up;

You understand Carlton's thoughts afar off.

You comprehend Carlton's path and Carlton's lying down,

And are acquainted with all Carlton's ways.

For there is not a word on Carlton's tongue,

But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.

You have hedged Carlton behind and before,

And laid Your hand upon Carlton.

Such knowlegde is too wonderful for me; (his Mom)

It is high, I cannot attain it.

Where can Carlton go from Your Spirit?

Or where can Carlton flee from Your presence? (vs.1-7)

God knows ALL Carlton's thoughts.  God is acquainted with ALL his ways.  God has hedged Carlton in His protective arms.  There is no where Carlton can go that God's presence is not with him.  I, as his Mom, can only TRY to figure out his thoughts, but God already knows them.  I have to ask God to give me wisdom and trust that even in the midst of his anxiety, God knows why it is happening.  God can USE me, his teachers, his coaches, his doctors to help him, but only God knows the answers.  Have I completely put my trust in Him to help Carlton?  Until today, I honestly don't think I have.  I have searched for answers and help in everyone and everything I can.  Yes, I prayed for him, but I don't think I prayed with FAITH that God could work.  ONLY GOD through me and everyone involved in his life will be able to help him because God knows him more intimately than I ever could.  Why?

"For you formed Carlton's inward parts;

You covered Carlton in my womb.

I will praise You, for Carlton is fearfully and wonderfully made;

Marvelous are Your works,

And that my soul knows very well.

When Carlton was made in secret,

And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.

Your eyes saw Carlton's substance, being yet unformed.

And in Your book they all were written,

The days fashioned for Carlton,

When as yet there were none of them." (v.13-16)

Sometimes I think, as a parent, I want Carlton to be different.  I mean, why wouldn't I?  He has ADHD, struggles with anxiety, has "poopy problems" (as we like to call them) and now has been diagnosed with a milk protein allergy!  What Mom wouldn't want better for their child?  But deep down inside, in my deepest part, am I trying too hard to make him into someone other than who God created him to be?  My prayer for myself in that question is this:

"Search me, O God, and know my heart;

Try me, and know my anxieties;

And see if there is any wicked way in me,

And lead me in the way everlasting." (v.23-24)

I also need to remember God has a plan for my little man.  He really does!  Sometimes I doubt that.  Yes, often my faith that God can take these problems and work them for his good wavers exponentially!  God, please help me to believe the following from Your Word:

"For I know the plans I have for Carlton, declares the Lord, 

plans to prosper Carlton and not to harm him,

plans to give Carlton a hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11