I am swamped with things to do today but am determined to blog because it has been an anxiety ridden morning. My tinsel is in a tangle!! It has definitely been a "little peach pill" morning as I had an anxiety attack while getting ready for the day. Thinking of all I have to do this week completely overwhelmed me. (By the way, I have to thank my dear friend, who know who you are, for coining the phrase "little peach pill." You are such a blessing in my life and I love you!)
My tinsel = my circumstances. Tangled = my anxiety. If you read my previous blog post, you know my current "tinsel." I have handled the situation quite well. This is only the second day in a week I have become overwhelmed. But when I think that this is my last full week before school is out for Christmas I get a little freaked out. Almost everyday this week will be taken hostage by my "tinsel." Appointments to go to each day, issues to be taken care of, the list goes on and on. It amazes me how hard it is to find help for someone who really needs it. All I can do is pray and do whatever I can to help. Please know, Christian women, that at this point in my life, I do not consider my prayer life fervent. Most days, I just pray that God will give me strength to get through the day to handle whatever comes my way. Will I get back to a more fervent prayer life? I hope so! But I know God understands that my tinsel is tangled in a major way right now. Only he can untangle it. If I try on my own strength to untangle it, well, it just won't happen. And believe me, I've tried that many a time. Haven't you?
So, when your tinsel get tangled this season, remember this verse from Psalm 16:8. It is the verse I will be repeating to myself today. Not from memory, girls. Sticky notes are my new best friend! David says, "I keep my eyes always on the Lord. With Him at my right hand, I will not be shaken."
Monday, December 12, 2011
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
The BASE of the Christmas tree? I wanted to be the shining STAR on top!
When God first began leading me toward blogging about my journey through depression and anxiety, I knew I would need to blog on the up days and the down days. I didn't want the blog to be about how I made it through but how I am making it through. The past few days have been tough. Most of them being a mixture of highs and lows. I've been asking myself how in the world I am supposed to blog about what is happening in my journey right now? I couldn't even come up with what to write about much less a cute title to catch your attention. Then, in the rush of the school morning, God begin to put it all together for me.
I always turn on the radio in Carlton and Madelyn's rooms when I wake them for school. The station is tuned to our local contemporary Christian station. The song playing this morning was an older song by Third Day. Mack Powell, the lead singer for the group, sang, "I must go through the valley to stand upon the mountain of God." I thought to myself, "That's true. I know it's true. But just how many valleys do I have to go through to get on that mountain top?" The morning continued with the usual routine which wouldn't be complete without my ADHD son driving his Mom and sister nuts! I drop the kids off at their Christian school and see a big UHaul truck in the parking lot. It's chapel day. The day the students were encouraged to bring new toys to donate to a local ministry, City Impact. Each year City Impact sponsors a Christmas store where families can buy presents for their children at extremely discounted prices. The UHaul truck takes me back to last night, when Madelyn cried because we had not gone to Wal-Mart to buy toys to donate. She was truly heartbroken. I was truly frustrated because it had been in my mind's "to-do list," but due to other things, it just hadn't gotten checked off the list. In that moment in the parking lot of the school this morning I realized that, no, I can't do everything, but, what a terrible thing to forget. Giving is what I want to teach my children and I let a prime opportunity pass me by. I continue on to drop the dogs off at the groomers. As I am driving back into the neighborhood, I pass the bright green dry cleaning van only to realize I forgot, once again, to put Paul's shirts and pants on the door for the cleaners (in the bright green van) to pick up!
That's when it hits me that I am the BASE of Christmas tree! I don't want to be the boring base of the tree. I want to be the bright shining star on the top of the tree! Well, in our house we use big, colorful, puffy bows on the top of the trees, but you get the picture. I don't want to be on the mountain top for a while. Do I have to keep going through these valleys? My valley right now? Our 22 year old son checked into a homeless shelter Sunday night. Yes, I have a real-life Prodigal Son. Within 4 years he has blown through his "inheritance" so to speak and has only a 2001 Subaru Outback he bought from his Dad to show for it. He was evicted from his apartment this summer and had been living in a hotel for 3 months. The money ran out. Paul and I knew it was coming. We had told Nathan it was coming. Saturday night - it came. So, I find myself, as most Moms, being the base of the tree. Going through yet another valley. You see, the base of the tree is just that - the base. It helps the tree stand up straight, to stretch out its branches. The base provides nourishment to the tree's branches (if you still put up a live tree). I get tired of being the base. I want to be the bright star or the colorful bow on the top of the tree. How can I be a star or a bow when I'm stuck at the base of the tree, dang it? And that's when it hit me! Pouring my second cup of coffee for the morning to come upstairs and write a new post. I felt like God literally said to me, "Jennifer, there's is only ONE bright star. And that star is My Son." Ouch! That one hurt. But then, on the heels of that "ouch," comes a gentle reminder that though there may only be ONE star, I am to be His light. I can't be that light on the mountain of God without going through the valleys. Can I say, "dang it" again? Because dang it, I'm tired of going through the valleys! I'm tired of being the base of the tree that holds my family together! But I'm thinking, you know, I may be the base of the tree. I may be going through a big valley right now, but....maybe, just maybe, I can be the twinkling lights on the tree too. Maybe during this valley, this down time, this being the base of the tree time, I can somehow manage to shine HIS light. Assuming of course, I don't blow a fuse!
I always turn on the radio in Carlton and Madelyn's rooms when I wake them for school. The station is tuned to our local contemporary Christian station. The song playing this morning was an older song by Third Day. Mack Powell, the lead singer for the group, sang, "I must go through the valley to stand upon the mountain of God." I thought to myself, "That's true. I know it's true. But just how many valleys do I have to go through to get on that mountain top?" The morning continued with the usual routine which wouldn't be complete without my ADHD son driving his Mom and sister nuts! I drop the kids off at their Christian school and see a big UHaul truck in the parking lot. It's chapel day. The day the students were encouraged to bring new toys to donate to a local ministry, City Impact. Each year City Impact sponsors a Christmas store where families can buy presents for their children at extremely discounted prices. The UHaul truck takes me back to last night, when Madelyn cried because we had not gone to Wal-Mart to buy toys to donate. She was truly heartbroken. I was truly frustrated because it had been in my mind's "to-do list," but due to other things, it just hadn't gotten checked off the list. In that moment in the parking lot of the school this morning I realized that, no, I can't do everything, but, what a terrible thing to forget. Giving is what I want to teach my children and I let a prime opportunity pass me by. I continue on to drop the dogs off at the groomers. As I am driving back into the neighborhood, I pass the bright green dry cleaning van only to realize I forgot, once again, to put Paul's shirts and pants on the door for the cleaners (in the bright green van) to pick up!
That's when it hits me that I am the BASE of Christmas tree! I don't want to be the boring base of the tree. I want to be the bright shining star on the top of the tree! Well, in our house we use big, colorful, puffy bows on the top of the trees, but you get the picture. I don't want to be on the mountain top for a while. Do I have to keep going through these valleys? My valley right now? Our 22 year old son checked into a homeless shelter Sunday night. Yes, I have a real-life Prodigal Son. Within 4 years he has blown through his "inheritance" so to speak and has only a 2001 Subaru Outback he bought from his Dad to show for it. He was evicted from his apartment this summer and had been living in a hotel for 3 months. The money ran out. Paul and I knew it was coming. We had told Nathan it was coming. Saturday night - it came. So, I find myself, as most Moms, being the base of the tree. Going through yet another valley. You see, the base of the tree is just that - the base. It helps the tree stand up straight, to stretch out its branches. The base provides nourishment to the tree's branches (if you still put up a live tree). I get tired of being the base. I want to be the bright star or the colorful bow on the top of the tree. How can I be a star or a bow when I'm stuck at the base of the tree, dang it? And that's when it hit me! Pouring my second cup of coffee for the morning to come upstairs and write a new post. I felt like God literally said to me, "Jennifer, there's is only ONE bright star. And that star is My Son." Ouch! That one hurt. But then, on the heels of that "ouch," comes a gentle reminder that though there may only be ONE star, I am to be His light. I can't be that light on the mountain of God without going through the valleys. Can I say, "dang it" again? Because dang it, I'm tired of going through the valleys! I'm tired of being the base of the tree that holds my family together! But I'm thinking, you know, I may be the base of the tree. I may be going through a big valley right now, but....maybe, just maybe, I can be the twinkling lights on the tree too. Maybe during this valley, this down time, this being the base of the tree time, I can somehow manage to shine HIS light. Assuming of course, I don't blow a fuse!
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
All Wound Up
It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, at least in parts of my home. Christmas decorating is not my favorite thing to do. Any other holiday - bring it! But there is just something about decorating for Christmas that sends me into a full blown anxiety attack. Putting the tree/trees up, fluffing out all the smashed branches, adding the garland, (all while my 10 year old and 8 year old ask me every 5 minutes, "Can we put our ornaments on now?"). Finally, the much anticipated time of ornament hanging has come. Within 10 minutes they are finished, satisfied they have done their part in the decorating and are back downstairs amidst the piles of Legos. I continue on while the TV is blaring a football game being watched by my husband and Dad who barely realize I am even in the room working away. I fuss and fuss over the mantel decor. I am trying a new design this year for the mantel - not a smart idea. By the time the mantel was completed to my satisfaction I was having a full blown anxiety attack. I took half of "my little peach pill" and headed up to my room for some alone time. Many thoughts and questions raced through my mind: "I hate Christmas decorating. Why can't I just put up one tree and be happy? Why do we have to go all out at Christmas? This takes way too much time!" Then the anger comes that I am having an anxiety attack over Christmas decorating. Next the guilt creeps in over having to take medicine to calm myself down. Have you ever experienced any of these feelings trying to make your home "look a lot like Christmas?"
There is still much work to be done around my house. Two more trees to decorate. Yes, two more trees. Shopping is basically finished, thanks to Black Friday and my amazing shopping list. Each day, especially yesterday, I struggle with being majorly overwhelmed by all I have to accomplish before I pick Carlton and Madelyn up from school. I ask God to help me calm down, I carry my handy "To Do List" around, and I take my "little peach pill" when needed. But the guilt often creeps in because I am a Christian and I have to take anxiety medicine. Shouldn't I just be able to pray and it just go away? I constantly have to remind myself to continue to cry out to God in my distress, but realize the medicine is there to help. God doesn't want me to suffer through the racing thoughts, the shortness of breath, the anger, the overwhelming feelings. He only wants what is best for me and you!
So today, this is my best: As Psalm 107:19 says (inserting myself into the verse), "I will cry out to the Lord in my time of trouble (anxiety); He will save me from my distress." My "little peach pill?" It is there if I need it.
There is still much work to be done around my house. Two more trees to decorate. Yes, two more trees. Shopping is basically finished, thanks to Black Friday and my amazing shopping list. Each day, especially yesterday, I struggle with being majorly overwhelmed by all I have to accomplish before I pick Carlton and Madelyn up from school. I ask God to help me calm down, I carry my handy "To Do List" around, and I take my "little peach pill" when needed. But the guilt often creeps in because I am a Christian and I have to take anxiety medicine. Shouldn't I just be able to pray and it just go away? I constantly have to remind myself to continue to cry out to God in my distress, but realize the medicine is there to help. God doesn't want me to suffer through the racing thoughts, the shortness of breath, the anger, the overwhelming feelings. He only wants what is best for me and you!
So today, this is my best: As Psalm 107:19 says (inserting myself into the verse), "I will cry out to the Lord in my time of trouble (anxiety); He will save me from my distress." My "little peach pill?" It is there if I need it.
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