The BASE of the Christmas tree? I wanted to be the shining STAR on top!

When God first began leading me toward blogging about my journey through depression and anxiety, I knew I would need to blog on the up days and the down days.  I didn't want the blog to be about how I made it through but how I am making it through.  The past few days have been tough.  Most of them being a mixture of highs and lows.  I've been asking myself how in the world I am supposed to blog about what is happening in my journey right now?  I couldn't even come up with what to write about much less a cute title to catch your attention.  Then, in the rush of the school morning, God begin to put it all together for me.

I always turn on the radio in Carlton and Madelyn's rooms when I wake them for school.  The station is tuned to our local contemporary Christian station.  The song playing this morning was an older song by Third Day.  Mack Powell, the lead singer for the group, sang, "I must go through the valley to stand upon the mountain of God."  I thought to myself,  "That's true.  I know it's true.  But just how many valleys do I have to go through to get on that mountain top?"  The morning continued with the usual routine which wouldn't be complete without my ADHD son driving his Mom and sister nuts!  I drop the kids off at their Christian school and see a big UHaul truck in the parking lot.  It's chapel day.  The day the students were encouraged to bring new toys to donate to a local ministry, City Impact.  Each year City Impact sponsors a Christmas store where families can buy presents for their children at extremely discounted prices.  The UHaul truck takes me back to last night, when Madelyn cried because we had not gone to Wal-Mart to buy toys to donate.  She was truly heartbroken.  I was truly frustrated because it had been in my mind's "to-do list," but due to other things, it just hadn't gotten checked off the list.  In that moment in the parking lot of the school this morning I realized that, no, I can't do everything, but, what a terrible thing to forget.  Giving is what I want to teach my children and I let a prime opportunity pass me by.  I continue on to drop the dogs off at the groomers.  As I am driving back into the neighborhood, I pass the bright green dry cleaning van only to realize I forgot, once again, to put Paul's shirts and pants on the door for the cleaners (in the bright green van) to pick up!

That's when it hits me that I am the BASE of Christmas tree!  I don't want to be the boring base of the tree.  I want to be the bright shining star on the top of the tree!  Well, in our house we use big, colorful, puffy bows on the top of the trees, but you get the picture.  I don't want to be on the mountain top for a while.  Do I have to keep going through these valleys?  My valley right now?  Our 22 year old son checked into a homeless shelter Sunday night.  Yes, I have a real-life Prodigal Son.  Within 4 years he has blown through his "inheritance" so to speak and has only a 2001 Subaru Outback he bought from his Dad to show for it.  He was evicted from his apartment this summer and had been living in a hotel for 3 months.  The money ran out.  Paul and I knew it was coming.  We had told Nathan it was coming.  Saturday night - it came.  So, I find myself, as most Moms, being the base of the tree.  Going through yet another valley.  You see, the base of the tree is just that - the base.  It helps the tree stand up straight, to stretch out its branches.  The base provides nourishment to the tree's branches (if you still put up a live tree).  I get tired of being the base.  I want to be the bright star or the colorful bow on the top of the tree.  How can I be a star or a bow when I'm stuck at the base of the tree, dang it?  And that's when it hit me!  Pouring my second cup of coffee for the morning to come upstairs and write a new post.  I felt like God literally said to me, "Jennifer, there's is only ONE bright star.  And that star is My Son."  Ouch!  That one hurt.  But then, on the heels of that "ouch," comes a gentle reminder that though there may only be ONE star, I am to be His light.  I can't be that light on the mountain of God without going through the valleys.  Can I say, "dang it" again?  Because dang it, I'm tired of going through the valleys!  I'm tired of being the base of the tree that holds my family together!  But I'm thinking, you know, I may be the base of the tree.  I may be going through a big valley right now, but....maybe, just maybe, I can be the twinkling lights on the tree too.  Maybe during this valley, this down time, this being the base of the tree time, I can somehow manage to shine HIS light.  Assuming of course, I don't blow a fuse!