Worn

Hey there, blogger friends.  Last week was a tough one, but God gave me glimpses of hope bit by bit.  I was driving home one day from taking Madelyn to gymnastics and the Christian band, Tenth Avenue North, were special guests on KLOVE radio station.  I tuned in just in time to hear the song, "Worn" from there new album, "The Stuggle."  When I pulled into my driveway the song was still playing but I couldn't turn off the radio.  I had to listen to the end.  So there I was, car running, radio on, tears streaming, as God gave me a glimpse of His hope in that song.   If you feel tired, worn, the weight of the world dragging you down; listen to this song and be renewed by His hope.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g7DS1aUV8e8&feature=related

Carlton's Inmost Parts

Carlton on his first day of 5th grade.  Isn't he handsome?

Yesterday was a difficult afternoon for parenting my boy.  Carlton has struggled this summer with increased social anxiety.  Yesterday was his first day of tennis class.  Same facility, same teacher.  We pulled up to his lesson and there on the tennis courts were at least 15 kids ranging from high school to Carlton's age.  Carlton being by far the smallest.  I knew when I pulled the car in the parking space we were in trouble.  Carlton is used to about three kids in his tennis class.  The amount of kids completely freaked him out.  His coach said he could wait to join his group after warm ups, but that didn't help.  There wasn't a single person in his class that he knew.  Two big anxiety triggers for him:  size and new people.  I left with him in tears and me with mixed emotions.  He cried and I cried on the way home.  You see, even if his anxiety triggers seem silly to me, I have to honor and respect them.  Because to him, they are VERY real.

I asked him on our drive home why he was so afraid of being in a class with people he doesn't know.  He said, "Because I'm afraid if I mess up they will think I am not any good."  As a Mom, my heart broke.  I know I encourage him.  I know he isn't put down at home or at school, so where is this coming from?  How do I help him?

Madelyn and I had read Psalm 139 together one night early this week.  I remembered some specific passages and  wanted to go back and pray these verses for Carlton.

  "O Lord, You have searched Carlton and known Carlton.

You know Carlton's sitting down and Carlton's rising up;

You understand Carlton's thoughts afar off.

You comprehend Carlton's path and Carlton's lying down,

And are acquainted with all Carlton's ways.

For there is not a word on Carlton's tongue,

But behold, O Lord, You know it altogether.

You have hedged Carlton behind and before,

And laid Your hand upon Carlton.

Such knowlegde is too wonderful for me; (his Mom)

It is high, I cannot attain it.

Where can Carlton go from Your Spirit?

Or where can Carlton flee from Your presence? (vs.1-7)

God knows ALL Carlton's thoughts.  God is acquainted with ALL his ways.  God has hedged Carlton in His protective arms.  There is no where Carlton can go that God's presence is not with him.  I, as his Mom, can only TRY to figure out his thoughts, but God already knows them.  I have to ask God to give me wisdom and trust that even in the midst of his anxiety, God knows why it is happening.  God can USE me, his teachers, his coaches, his doctors to help him, but only God knows the answers.  Have I completely put my trust in Him to help Carlton?  Until today, I honestly don't think I have.  I have searched for answers and help in everyone and everything I can.  Yes, I prayed for him, but I don't think I prayed with FAITH that God could work.  ONLY GOD through me and everyone involved in his life will be able to help him because God knows him more intimately than I ever could.  Why?

"For you formed Carlton's inward parts;

You covered Carlton in my womb.

I will praise You, for Carlton is fearfully and wonderfully made;

Marvelous are Your works,

And that my soul knows very well.

When Carlton was made in secret,

And skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.

Your eyes saw Carlton's substance, being yet unformed.

And in Your book they all were written,

The days fashioned for Carlton,

When as yet there were none of them." (v.13-16)

Sometimes I think, as a parent, I want Carlton to be different.  I mean, why wouldn't I?  He has ADHD, struggles with anxiety, has "poopy problems" (as we like to call them) and now has been diagnosed with a milk protein allergy!  What Mom wouldn't want better for their child?  But deep down inside, in my deepest part, am I trying too hard to make him into someone other than who God created him to be?  My prayer for myself in that question is this:

"Search me, O God, and know my heart;

Try me, and know my anxieties;

And see if there is any wicked way in me,

And lead me in the way everlasting." (v.23-24)

I also need to remember God has a plan for my little man.  He really does!  Sometimes I doubt that.  Yes, often my faith that God can take these problems and work them for his good wavers exponentially!  God, please help me to believe the following from Your Word:

"For I know the plans I have for Carlton, declares the Lord, 

plans to prosper Carlton and not to harm him,

plans to give Carlton a hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29:11

A shrub or a tree? Which will we be?

Yesterday was a difficult day.  Our checking account was in the negative, and for the second time in a row, we didn't have enough money in the practice account to pay our salary.  Even worse, is the fact that we have maxed out our business credit line at the bank.  Paul continues to see new patients, and every week is busier.  But money drizzles in from the insurance companies and we need it to pour!  I found myself scared yesterday, praying that God would somehow provide during all this.  As is typical of God, he reached down this morning and gave me a glimmer of hope.  He asked me, "Do you want to be a shrub or a tree?"

My devotion this morning was about trusting in God and finding triumph through trust. 

"Those who know Your name trust in You because You have not abandoned those who seek You, Yahweh."  Psalm 9:10

Trusting God isn't a guarantee that life will go just as we want.  Trust isn't a magic wand we can wave to make everything okay.  Boy, don't I wish it was though! Trusting God means knowing He has a plan for our lives, and that plan is perfect.  It is hard to trust  in the middle of uncertain circumstances.   Jeremiah 17:5-8,  compares a man who trusts in himself to a shrub living in the desert.  Umm...a shrub can't live in the desert.  It will thirst, whither and die. Jeremiah goes on to compare a man who trusts in God to a tree planted by a river.  It runs its roots into the water, its leaves are always green and it bears fruit.   It never fears during heat or drought.  

I want to be a tree!  I want to run my roots into Jesus, the Living Water.  I want to bear fruit even in the most difficult of times.  Because if the world can't see me bear fruit when things are rough than they probably won't see much difference in me.  But in order to be that tree, I have to dive into God's Word, which is my sustenance.  I have to pray that God will help me trust Him even when I may not be able to see a solution to my current problem.

Life the past couple of weeks has been busy and we are trying to adjust to our summer schedule.  In the midst of the business I haven't been reading my Bible or doing much praying.  When I think about it, I've felt like a shrub in the wilderness; thirsty and withering ever so slowly.  God gave me water for today's journey.  Now it is up to me each day to make a choice:  shrub or tree?  Which one will I be?

Thanks for reading.  Until next time~ hang in there and hold on to Jesus!

Jennifer

Between a Mom & a Daughter: Summer Fun

Me & Sarah on our first trip to TX after she was married.

Happy Monday, bloggers!  Sarah had the great idea of writing about our summer experiences together.  How we spent our summers when she was growing up and how we have transitioned now that she is a grown woman, married and living very far away from her Mama! (Can you tell I'm a little bitter about the living far away thing?)  Anyway...Sarah and I kinda laughed last night when she brought up my summer schedules.  If you haven't noticed yet from previous posts, I am so a Type A personality!  But boy has God taught me over the years that it isn't always gonna go as I have planned.

When Sarah was growing up we would have certain days of the week designated for certain activities.  For example, one day a week we would go to the library or the pool.  We even had a craft day!  Was I not the Mom.com or what?  Be sure and check out Sarah's blog post as I'm sure she have some funny things to share.  Things seemed to be so much easier back then.  I realized a couple of years ago that things were easier back then because we had Miss Betty.  Miss Betty was a dear friend, who sometimes drove us nuts, but was always there for us.  I learned a lot of my home skills from Miss Betty.  She was there to do laundry and ironing twice a week, clean house, buy groceries (when Carlton was young) and take care of the kids when needed.  Boy did I have it made or what?  Thank God for Miss Betty during those years.  It helped me be a better mother to all the children.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still a scheduler with Carlton and Madelyn.  This summer we will be going to the pool on Fridays after Miss Madelyn finishes gymnastics practice.  They will be doing chores around the house and working on new "independent living skills" as I like to call them.  And of course there will be crafts at some point!  There are special things I want to do with them, but I can't do near as much with them as I was able to do with Sarah and her brother and sister.  They just don't know how lucky there were! (I'm sure Sarah is grinning right now.)

As for the transition now that Sarah is older, we try to see each other once during the summer.  Paul, me and Carlton and Madelyn have gone to TX the past two years during spring break to visit Sarah and Jeff.  Sarah is planning on coming to NE for a few days in August and possibly bringing her sweet friend, Morgan too.  We have to learn to be thankful for the time we do have together, make the most of it, and laugh at those "learning" years as I like to call them.

To all you Moms and daughters reading:  Have a great summer and make some memories!  Even if you do look back on them and laugh.  That's half the fun!

Happy Memorial Day

Good morning and happy Memorial Day!  Sarah and I wanted to do a special post today in honor and memory of her Mom, Juanita Kampfe (Sissy), and all our family members who have served our country in the Armed Forces.  Sarah is talking about her Mom's death and how she dealt with such a tragic loss in her life.  She will also be discussing her adjustment to a new Mom (me) and how God has worked in her life through the death of her Mom.  I know you will want to read her post, so check it out!!http://twopeepsandapooch.blogspot.com/

I discussed in our very first mother daughter blog how the news of Sissy's death affected me.  God used that situation to not only have me become "instant Mom," as we like to call it, but also to mold me and shape me in what were some pretty difficult circumstances.  The first year of our marriage was much more difficult that I had anticipated.  I remember moving into the house and having to clean out Sissy's night stand beside the bed that she and Paul had once shared together.  I think that was when real life started to hit me.  I began to feel emotions of jealousy, anger, and resentment. You name it and I probably felt it.  I sought counseling and through the help of my counselor and God I worked through the emotions.  My break through came when I asked Paul to drop me off at Sissy's grave.  There I stood at the grave site of a woman whose "ghost" had been haunting me for months.  In the moments that followed I laid it all out.  I yelled, I cried, I just released it all.  That was the beginning of my healing process.  Notice I said the beginning.  I had years more work ahead of me!  Now, almost 13 years later, I know I am a better person by going through all the adjustments and emotions that came with becoming the Mom of three children whose mother had passed away.  I am so grateful to God for blessing me with Sarah, Nathan and Laura who immediately called me "Mom."  Children who would become upset when their friends in Virginia would refer to me as "their step mom."  Children who could have hated me and felt I was trying to take the place of Sissy, but instead welcomed me with open arms and clung to me with all the love they had.  God has poured out His love to me through them.  No, the road has not been easy.  It has been marked with pot holes that felt like bottomless pits; with speed bumps that slowed me down to a crawl; running off the side of the road into many ditches, and feeling like I was completely out of gas!   God's grace somehow kept me going.  It has only been since about three years ago, that I can hear the kid's talk about Sissy and not become jealous.  That I can look at her picture and not feel some twinge of something weird inside me.  God brought me through with so many blessings!

In closing, I would like to say, "Thank you" to the following family members for their service to our country.  May we NEVER forget the freedoms we have because of you.  My grandfather, Carl Carlton, who served in the U.S. Navy. My Dad, who also served in the Navy.  Juanita Kampfe, Sarah's Mom, who served in the Air Force.  (Sorry this picture is side ways.  It is a picture of Sarah and her brother and sister after doing a rubbing of their Mom's grave stone before we moved from Virginia.)  I would like to give a special thank you to my brother, Mike Carlton, who enrolled in the Army when I was just a little girl.  You have been such an example of sacrifice, strength and bravery to me. I remember when you were away serving in Desert Storm.  I wore one of your military coats around all winter with a yellow ribbon pinned to it.  I was so proud to be your sister!  Thank you, Mike!  Also, to my friend Trisha Aldag, whose husband, Rich, serves in the National Guard.  I know her family has sacrificed for our country as Rich has been away serving.  One more thank you to our new neighbors, Michael and Elizabeth Mitchell.  May God bless each of you and your families for your service.



My Dad, Fred Carlton who served in the Navy.





My brother, Mike Carlton, who served in the Army.



My Grandfather, Carl Carlton, who served in the Navy.

Juanita Kampfe, who served in the Air Force.

Between a Mom & Daughter: Happy Mother's Day



Carlton & Madelyn with me, Mother's Day 2012

 As I sit here, laptop in hand, trying to decide what to type, I find myself reflecting on yesterday - Mother's Day.  I'm finding it difficult to decide what to write about, and this topic was MY idea!

Yesterday was a wonderful day.  I find myself thankful on Mother's Day.  I am thankful for my godly mother.  Thankful for all the wonderful memories I have of her and our time together growing up.  I hope my children can look back with similar special memories.  I am thankful that God chose to bless me with adopting Sarah, Nathan and Laura.  I am thankful that God allowed me to carry and birth two beautiful children, Carlton & Madelyn.  I find myself thankful for many things. 

I also find myself hopeful.  Hopeful that my children will see Christ in me.  Hopeful that, despite my many flaws and many mistakes, God will mold my children and make them more like Him each day.  Hopeful that with each passing year, God continues to teach me how to be a woman, wife and mother who is set apart. 



Me & Lola, Mother's Day 2012



Me & Sarah, Easter 2012

P.S.  Sorry for no pictures of Nathan.  He was working yesterday :(  And don't forget to check out Sarah's post @  http://twopeepsandapooch.blogspot.com/2012/05/between-mom-daughter-happy-mothers-day.html

Between a Mom & Daughter: Mom AND Friend?

Good morning Moms and Daughters!  Sarah and I decided we would just dive right in dealing with some big topics.  This week's topic is about being a Mom and a friend.  Some Moms out there may think you cannot or should not be both.  But hear me out on this.  You see, I was always a Mom to Sarah.  I was also a friend, and she didn't even realize it.  It was the same way with my Mom.  I knew she and my Dad were in control of the home, but it wasn't until I was married that I realized she was my friend and had been all along.  You may completely understand where I'm going with this or you may be boggled by my comments.  Either way, let me explain.

Yes, I set rules and expectations for Sarah.  She had driving rules, a curfew, dating rules, chores to do, grades to keep up, expectations on how her room should be kept - the list could go on and on.  That was the Mom part.  I also did fun stuff with her like shopping, crafts, planned special parties, helped with prom - this list could go on and on too.  That was the friend part.  But wait...there's more.  Sarah knew she could come and talk to me about anything.  And she usually did.  Her and a roommate from college (if you're reading this, you know who you are), will always remember the "sex" talk we had on the floor of my bathroom when they were seniors in high school.  You see, Moms, if we don't talk to them about important topics, someone else will and who knows who that someone will be or what they will tell our daughters.  Wouldn't you rather your daughter hear the truth, especially about sex, from you. This allows you the opportunity to instill in her the importance of sexual purity. This doesn't mean you have to sit down and have some uncomfortable discussion.  It's actually just the opposite!  When she asks you questions, which she will, just honestly answer them.  Don't you want your friends to be honest with you?  Shouldn't we as mothers give that same respect to our daughters?  I will never forget the night, at 21 years old, that I laid on my Mom's bed crying and asking her why I couldn't have sex before I was married.  I KNEW why, but I was struggling and just needed my Mom's reassurance that everything was for a reason.  She didn't freak out that I was dealing with that issue.  She listened and encouraged me.  She was my friend!  To this day I can still talk to her about almost anything as I know Sarah can with me.

I kinda got on the "sex" bandwagon, but there are so many other topics this principle can apply to as well.  Be your daughter's Mom, but have fun with her. Develop a relationship with her.  Talk to her - about anything - even if it makes you uncomfortable.  You'll be glad you did.  Because down the road, probably after she's married, it will hit her that you were her Mom AND her friend all along.

Don't forget to check out Sarah's post from a daughter's perspective!  http://twopeepsandapooch.blogspot.com/

Beauty for Ashes and Joy for Mourning

Good morning, girlfriends!  I just read a devotion based on one of my favorite verses for dealing with my down times.  I wanted to share some of it with you.

Isaiah 61:3

"To console those who mourn in Zion,

to give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning,

the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;

that they may be called trees of righteousness,

the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified."

In this mornings devotion by Sandra D. Bricker she states:

 "On the occasions that I've suffered a devastating loss, even though at times I couldn't see it, there was recovery ahead.  I would go on to live again, to smile, even to laugh.  When I didn't think I had a song left in my heart, somehow I was able to hear the soft hum in the distance, the promise of music on my horizon.

The more often we experience His willingness to turn our mourning into joy and our ashes into something beautiful, the easier it is the next time to believe that we will survive.  Like a muscle we've begun to exercise, our faith in what God will do in our lives is strengthened with its use."

Notice the underline portions of the devotion.  We ALL have times in our lives when circumstances seemed piled against us and we can't see through them.  We don't "feel" happy or "feel" like smiling or singing.  We put on our masks and go about our daily lives as best we can.  BUT...God does have a plan, doesn't he?  Think back to difficult times in your life.  Did God bring recovery?  Did God bring healing?  Did you feel happy again?  Yes, yes and yes!  Believe me, I've been there many times.  Times when I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel.  Times when I thought God wasn't there and wasn't working.  But I somehow survived.  And even in those darkest moments, somewhere deep down inside of me I had a peace.  Thank God for His peace, even if it is faint, during those times!

Let God give you beauty for ashes today.  To turn that bad circumstance into something beautiful.  Let Him trade your mourning for joy.

Until next time, hang in there and hold on to Jesus!  Don't forget to check back on Monday for my mother/daughter blog post!  See you then.

Jennifer



Between a Mom & Daughter

Gracie & Me

Hi there blogger friends!  Today is a wonderful day for two reasons:  1) it is my oldest daughter, Sarah's, 25th birthday and 2) today Sarah & I start our mother-daughter blog post.  We will be blogging every Monday on a subject related to Moms and daughters.  She will be writing from the daughter perspective and I will be writing from the mother's perspective.  So be sure to read Sarah's post after mine.  Our hope is that God will use the good, bad and ugly circumstances of our relationship over the years to encourage you.  God has blessed us with a beautiful relationship and we would like to share it with you.


Today, as Gracie (Sarah) turns 25, she reminded me that I was 25 when I married her Dad.  You see, for those of you who don't know my story, Paul, my husband, was married and his first wife, Sissy, died from brain cancer.  Sissy left behind 3 children:  Sarah, Nathan, and Laura.  I was the choir director at their church, but didn't know their family all that well.  I remember getting the phone call that Sissy had passed away.  My first thought and prayer was for Sarah.  I asked God to please show me if there was anything I could do to help her.  She had lost her Mom at 12 years old and my heart ached for her.  Ever heard someone say, "Be careful what you pray for?"  God answered my prayer - I became her "new Mom." 


God truly blessed me on January 8, 2000, as I became a wife and mother!  But sometimes blessings come with heartaches and struggles.  It was harder than I thought adjusting to being wife number 2 and instant Mom of three at age 25.  But here I am almost 13 years later, still married and still Mom.  During my most recent visit to see Gracie, we shared some laughs over some of my "ridiculous rules."  Her favorite was how I had a breakfast schedule for them.  They had to eat something different for breakfast everyday.  Crazy, right?  I was just a young Mom trying to do what I thought was best at the time.  I still try to do what's best for all my children, and I still make mistakes.  Thank goodness for God's grace and that my mistakes don't get in the way of His plan.


Happy Monday, and Happy Birthday to my beautiful 25 year old daughter!  I am so thankful for you and so very proud of the woman you have become!  Don't forget to read Gracie's blog and check back every Monday for a word from our unconventional mother/daughter relationship!

From Broken to Blessed to ...

To my sweet, patient bloggers:

I am sorry it has been so long since my last post.  Believe it or not, sometimes I struggle with what to write about. My thoughts are so jumbled I can't think straight; or there are several things I want to write about and I can't decide which one to choose, so I don't write at all.

I read a devotion last week from "Journey" magazine entitled, From Broken to Blessed.  Sometimes we will go through seasons of brokenness.  Even though we may not be able to see God's hand at work in the situation, much less see the light at the end of the tunnel, as believers in Christ, we have to dig down and hold on to our faith and trust that God knows what He is doing and He sees the light at the end of the tunnel. As my redneck, Southern uncle used to say, "I'm hanging in there like a hair in a biscuit!"   God wants to bless us.  And sometimes, believe it or not, those blessings come through brokenness. 

Isaiah 61: 1-3 says, "He has sent me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound;"  He goes on to say in verse 3, "To give them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness; that they may be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified." 

Wow! I love this passage!  Here is what I want us to focus on:

• our hearts are broken. God is the Healer.
• we are held captive by sin, fear, guilt, anxiety, depression (you name it). God gives us liberty.
• We are bound by what holds us captive.  God can break open the prison doors.
• through are brokenness, God can turn it into ashes and make it beautiful.
• we mourn through our brokenness.  God can provide us joy.
• our spirits are heavy.  God can give us a garment of praise.
• when we arrive at the end of the tunnel, having trusted God, HE will bless us and HE will be glorified.  Their is a PURPOSE to our brokenness, our captivity, our imprisonment, our mourning, our heavy spirits.

Girlfriends, I hope my posts never give you the impression that I have it all together or I have all the answers.  I am in a season of brokenness.  I am bound and held captive by some of my emotions and circumstances.  My spirit is heavy.  I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.  But even in my most broken state, somewhere deep in my spirit is a peace.  A peace that only God can give.  Does it fix everything?  Does it stop me from having anxiety attacks?  Does it make the circumstances causing my brokenness and heaviness to go away?  NO!   But I do trust that God is somehow going to give me beauty for my ashes, joy for my mourning and praise for my heaviness.

So, from broken to blessed to ...Creative?  Tune in to my next blog to hear about the "creative" aspect.  Until next time, hang in there and hold on to Jesus.

Healer of the Broken

Good morning, girlfriends!  I had no intentions of blogging this morning, but God threw some encouragement in my lap so I have to share it.  It was a super rough morning for me.  Life, although full of its' blessings, I know, is also full of its' struggles too.  The thoughts running through my head this morning went something like this:  "I'm tired of having a kid with ADHD.  I'm tired of feeling disrespected.  I feel like I am every body's slave. My marriage is hurting.  Why can't I find words to encourage my husband? Why does it seem like it is one project after another in my family?  I have got to make some changes!!  I don't know where to begin.  My heart is so heavy.  My thoughts are so jumbled."

Any of those sound familiar?  I hope some of them ring true to someone out there, otherwise I really am going crazy!! (LOL)  I sat down at the computer to start typing some of my thoughts since they were coming too quickly to simply write on paper.  The "Internet" button was calling out my name.  I tried to resist.  I knew I needed to get my thoughts out and spend some time with God before I checked my email or got on Facebook.  But, I was too weak.  Or was I?  I know now that it was that still small voice inside my head (the Holy Spirit) wanting me to check Facebook, because that was where God gave me the following verse and song. 

• Psalm 147:3:  "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

Listen to the following song, "Healer of the Broken" by Gwen Miller.
http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=KZDYPGNX

Father, please heal OUR broken hearts and bind up OUR wounds today!  Until next time, hang in there and hold on to Jesus!

Lugging my suitcase

There is a new song out by contemporary Christian artist, Dara Maclean, titled, "Suitcases."  The lyrics to this song have been weighing heavy on my heart and mind this past week.  When I sat down to have my devotion this morning, it was by
one of my faves, Priscilla Shirer.  This woman blesses the stuffin' out of me!  Guess what the title was?  "Ditch the Baggage."  By this point I'm getting this picture in my mind of God standing on his throne, yes, standing, not sitting, looking down on me, hands cupped around his mouth, yelling, "Jennifer, are you starting to get it? I'm talking to you!"  I've said before that if I only had the patience with my family that God has with me.

Priscilla's devotion excerpt was from her book, He Speaks to Me.  She talks about running track in high school and how when warming up, she would wear her sweats and tennis shoes to make sure her muscles were warmed up for the race.  But when it came time to run for the prize, she took off the sweats and put on her lightweight shoes called spikes.  She said, "We got rid of the excess baggage because we wanted to win the races."    She mentions that as believers, Satan knows he cannot destroy us so he seeks to distract us.  He knows we are safe for eternity, so he tries to make sure we aren't any good to the kingdom of God while we are here on earth.  We can either choose to "warm up" with our baggage weighing us down or we can get rid of the suitcases and run for the prize!  2 Corinthians 7:1 from the Message puts it this way, "Make a clean break with everything that...distracts us."  Priscilla then reminds us that "Coach Paul, however, cheers you on from the sidelines:  'Run in such a way to win the prize.'' (I Corinthians 9:24).

Listen to the story behind Dara's song, Suitcases.
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_bwHTtbBj14&feature=relmfu

My favorite lyrics in her song are:

• "How can you move when they're weighing you down?"
• "You can't run when you're holding suitcases."
• "Can you imagine what it's like to be free?  Well, send those bags packing, they're not what you need.  Abandon your troubles on the side of the street."

What are loaded in your suitcases?  What do your suitcases represent for you?  My suitcases are most definitely my depression and anxiety.  I've been so frustrated the past few weeks with multiple anxiety attacks.  They weigh me down, they slow me down, the DISTRACT me.  I definitely can't run the race of everyday life with them hanging around.  They are accomplishing just what Satan wants them to. I take half of my little peach pill to get the attack under control and then I get tired.  It is a vicious cycle and it it NOT from God.  Satan has control over this aspect of my life right now.  I am determined to pray each day for God to take away my suitcase of anxiety.  To help me pack that bag for the day and lay it on the side of the street.  Notice I said to pack my bag for the day.  It will be a daily battle for me as it will likely be for you too.  I'm tired of carrying this anxiety baggage around.  It utterly wears me out.

Listen to Dara's song, and join me in laying down your suitcase today, and then try again tomorrow.  Be prepared to pick it back up, (I know I will mine) but then ask God to help you put it back down.  Until next time, hang in there and hold on to Jesus!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W4cFZcSivZI&feature=relmfu

Why do we Fight Him?

Everytime I would think about my blog this weekend I would ask God to show me which song I should post.  There have been so many that have helped me through some rough patches with my depression and anxiety.  About 2 years ago, when I was at quite a low point, I burned a CD of songs which I titled, "When I Need Your Strength."  One of the songs on this CD is "Fight" by Point of Grace.  Yes, I was a huge POG fan back in the day.  Don't like them as much now that they've gone all country sounding though.    This particular  song is about fighting God.  About how we try to do things on our own strength.  How we can be selfish, foolish, prideful, doubtful and fight God every step of the way.  Sound familiar?  It sure does to me!  I fight God a lot, cause I'm one of those sisters that likes to be in control!  Unfortunately, I'm one of God's stubborn daughters that He has to keep reminding  I am not in control, HE is.  If only I had as much patience with the people in my life as God has with me!  It seems the more I fight Him, the more my emotions have control over my actions.  Don't get me wrong, here.  There are times when I am trusting in Him, know He is in control, and the anxiety attacks still comes.  They've been almost daily lately.  But God has provided me with an amazing counselor, an amazing psychiatrist (who actually listens & talks to you), and medicines that help me.  So my suggestions to you today, girlfriend, are the following:

• Daily tackle that inward battle to fight God. 
• If you don't have a good counselor and you are struggling, find one.
• If you think medication would help you, don't be afraid to ask for help that way.  My psychiatrist tells me I wouldn't believe the amount of Moms that have to take medication.  My pride still gets the best of me in this area sometimes, but it really is okay.

Fight

v.1  How clever is my pride, how foolish is my mind

To think I'm in control when I've really lost it all

How brillant is my greed for what it says I need

And then I've come to find I'm empty on the inside

Chorus:  Real, my heart is aching to be real

So I'm coming to You

All of my broken motives, all my selfish dreams

All of my foolishness now I understand where it leads

I wanna be in Your love, I wanna be so much more

I know You're reaching out so what am I fighting Your for

So what am I fighting Your for

v.2  How quick is my doubt to leave my heart without

The presence of Your peace so that I scarce believe

How pardoned is my guilt to crush the life You built

And to keep me far away from any kind of shame

Bridge:  Cause only You can save me

And only You can change me

And only You can love me

Here I come, here I come

So I come to You

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XHQLHdRafy8

Until next time, hang in there and hold on to Jesus!



Broken Hallelujah

Saturday was a day filled with happiness, fun, and yes, a little running around like crazy.  The day began with Carlton leaving for a basketball competition in Omaha.  My little guy, and I literally mean LITTLE, got his first rebound and had two assist.  Madelyn had her second gymnastics competition of the season where she tied for FIRST place with one of her team mates!  As if that wasn't enough happiness, me, Madelyn and Laura (my 20 year old daughter) headed to Omaha to see Mandisa and Laura Story in concert.  If you couldn't tell by my last post, I love Mandisa!  Her transparency and genuineness fuel my desire to lay down my masks.  The concert was a wonderful time of clapping, singing songs of praise and worship, screaming, and dancing to Mandisa's songs.


My "little" 11 year old



Madelyn & Rylie



At Mandisa, Laura Story Concert

 







So, in honor of my being blessed in song Saturday evening, I'm going to spend the next few blog posts sharing some songs, a lot of them by Mandisa, and some by other artists as well, that have helped me through some pretty tough spots and downward spirals of my depression.

The first one I'd like to share with you is Mandisa's Broken Hallelujah.  This song spoke to me during a time where I was so overwhelmed that I couldn't find the words to pray.  I would try to pray.  But my thoughts were so boggled in my mind and it seemed as if I had so much I needed to pray about, that the words just wouldn't come.  I clung to Romans 8:26 which says, "Likewise the Spirit also helps in our weaknesses.  For we do not know what we should pray for as we ought, but the Spirit Himself makes intercession for us with groanings which cannot be uttered."  I trusted that God knew my heart, my mind, and my needs.  He knew what I wanted and needed to pray about but couldn't find the words to express.  Better yet, the Spirit was praying for me!  This song spoke to me so deeply during that time of prayerlessness.  Because all I had to offer God was a broken hallelujah and that was okay.

Have you ever been in this place, girlfriend?  Are you in this place now?  I know it is a soul wrenching place to be.  Offer God your broken hallelujah this morning and allow the Spirit to pray for you today.  Below is a YouTube link for the song with lyrics.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AkZTQTe1HZI

Until next time - hang in there and hold on to Jesus!

Broken and REAL? Seriously?

I had no intentions of writing a blog post this morning.  There is WAY too much on my to-do list for today.  However, God spoke to me and I knew I had to share it with you. 

This weekend had it ups and downs, its good and bad, its highs and lows, as I'm sure yours did too.  It's called LIFE, right?  Friday evening, after a more than long enough week, our son, Nathan, called to tell us he had been sent home early from work because he had a headache and chills.  Not good for two reasons:  1) this was only his 2nd week at his new full time job and 2) he has MANY bills to pay and needs the money.  Later that night he called again and was heading into the ER where Paul met him.  MANY hours later, after they reduced his fever, he was sent home with antibiotics.  Saturday came with another day of work missed, but he was feeling better. 

Sunday morning the Kampfe family left the house at 6:30 am to head to Madelyn's first gymnastics meet of the season.  Yes, this was early, but so fun and exciting.  A much needed break.  Plus, we were able to hang out with all the wonderful families of her team mates - good therapy.

Madelyn was nervous and had an off day, but still managed to rock vault with a 9.9 and win 3rd place All Around!  You may be wondering where I'm going with this and what is the point.  Your thinking, "Your blog title says 'Broken and REAL?', now get with it."  Here goes...

Half way to the meet, as Carlton, our almost 11 year old, was bouncing off the walls of the car, and talking non-stop, I realize I forgot to give him his ADHD meds for the day.  So not good!  I could have put my mask of the "perfect mother with perfect children" on, but I chose to be REAL.  I got to the meet and told the other parents about forgetting Carlton's meds this morning and kinda laughed about what my day would be like with him.  Yes, I made a mistake.  Yes, my son is not perfect, and worse yet, he has ADHD!  I choose to be real about Carlton's situation.  It is hard being the parent of a boy with ADHD.  Other parents need to know they are not alone. 

After the meet we find out via text that Nathan returned to the ER and was admitted.  His Crohn's Disease has flared up once again due to the fact that he chooses not to take his medication and stay well.  Here I have spent hours upon hours trying to help him get his medical debt under control.  He is already $30,0000 in debt from a year ago.  His bills from his hospital stay in Oct. 2011 are just now starting to come in and now he is racking up more.  It seems like the cycle will never end.

I dropped the kids off at school today and turned my CD player on planning to listen to the Kari Jobe song "I Find you on my Knees."  But as soon as I turned the power on, volume much louder than expected, the song I needed to hear came blaring out of my car speakers.  Mandisa's "What if we Were Real."  If you're not familiar with Mandisa and you struggle with depression, girlfriend, you better download her two latest albums, "Freedom" and "What if we Were Real."  I mean get your self to the local Christian bookstore TODAY!! 

                                              

The encouragement I have for YOU  because God encouraged ME, is to be REAL!  Sometimes circumstances in our lives stink!  Yes, I suffer from depression and anxiety.  No, I am not super Mom (even though I try to be).  Yes, I have a son with ADHD.  Yes, I have a son who has Chron's Disease, and who was homeless less than a month ago.  What REAL statements do YOU need to make today?  Write them down.  Say them out loud.  Better yet, share them with a fellow believer.  My even bigger challenge to you today?  Share them with me.  That's right.  Post a comment and share your struggles.  I've been REAL with you, now be real with me.  Two promises I make to you if you will share your struggles with me. 

1)  You will feel better and God will bless you for being real.

2)  I will say a prayer for you and your circumstances.

So, take a deep breath, watch this video of Mandisa's song, "What if we were Real", and BE REAL TODAY. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BcLYkUb5Keo

Until next time, hang in there and hold on to God!

                   

Broken

Hey friends!  How has your week been?  Hopefully it has been better than mine.  Mine has been a week filled with frustration, anxiety, feelings of being overwhelmed, of hopelessness, of brokenness.  I have spoken the words, "I am tired.  I am weary, God.  Please give me strength" many times this week.  Have you tried praying these words since my last blog post?

I sat down this morning with the intentions of blogging about God hiding us in His wings.  My thoughts were somewhat together about what I wanted to write.  I had a song ready to go to post for you.  But God had other plans for you and me this morning.  I actually had time to sit and do a devotion and spend some time praying.  My prayer began almost the same as this blog post.  Telling God I was broken, overwhelmed, frustrated and then praying for my husband, and my children one by one.  Don't go being all impressed.  This was only about 15, maybe 20 minutes.  I opened my laptop to begin my blog post.  As my Gmail account  popped up I noticed I had a new email from a friend who means more to me than she probably knows.  She is one of the women God placed in my life when we first moved to Lincoln almost 5 years ago.  I don't get to spend a lot of time with her, but she is someone I know I can call or email if I need something.  Her email contained a link to a video by Kari Jobe.  I clicked, listened, and knew it was what God wanted me to post on my blog today.  It was just what I needed to hear.  So thank you, dear friend, for allowing God to work through you today.

The song is called "Find You on My Knees."  I hope that God will speak to you through the song as He did to me.  I've posted two links.  The first link is the song with the lyrics.  The second link is the acoustic video.  I would suggest watching the link with the words first and then watch the video of Kari and her band.  Be prepared to be blessed!

http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=K66ZL7NX
http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=K66PZPNX

Until next time - hold on to God and hang in there!  Jennifer

He Will Carry Me and You

In my previous blog post I promised my next post would be about two verses God had shown me in the past few weeks and share how they given me comfort and strength during some difficult times.  I am journaling this blog after a difficult day hoping that by trying to encourage you, I will in turn be re-encouraged.

The first verse is from Matthew 11:28: "Come to me all you who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest." 

How does the above image speak to you?  Notice the lightning against the darkened sky, the waves rolling in, the broken pieces of wood along the shore line and even a few scattered rocks.  Does your life ever feel this?  Storm clouds rolling in amidst your already darkened sky.  Lightning striking all around you.  Waves crashing in on you leaving you feeling as though you are drowning in your circumstances?  Do the broken pieces of wood remind you of how you feel broken at times?  But look again at the picture-see it?  See the faint image of Jesus carrying a woman?  That woman could be me.  That woman could be you.  That woman should be me and you.  But so many times we don't allow God to carry us.  We try and do it all on our own. 

God gave me that verse during the first week that our son, Nathan, was living in the homeless shelter.  I was emotionally, physically and mentally exhausted as I spent hours on the phone trying to find him some help.  Then after hours on the phone it was day after day of appointments and errands.  It amazed me at how hard it was/is to find help for someone who truly needs it.  The verse came to me through our church's Facebook page.  I receive a verse each day via text.  When I read the verse, I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and said, "God, I am tired.  I am weary.  Please give me strength."  I'd like to tell you that I am one of these prayer warriors down on my knees with my prayer list.  But we are working on laying down our masks and being real, right?  With that in mind, I'll tell you that most of my prayer life is like my prayer after the text.  God brings something/someone to my mind or heart and I just pray - wherever I am, whatever I am doing.

So, for the next couple of weeks as I continued to help Nathan along with all my other daily duties, I spoke that prayer a lot.  "God, I am tired.  I am weary."  Have you ever felt somewhat of an expectation, that, as a believer, you were supposed to just pray for God to take your burdens away and that was that.  Almost like God is a magician of sorts who magically takes away our "feelings" of being burdened?  I have and sometimes I still do.  But it just doesn't work that way, girls, does it?  Why?  Because we're human and we're not perfect.  Even though us Type A personality folks try our best to make it work that way. And when you add depression and anxiety to the mix, it is even harder to lay your burdens down.   I have found that most of the time giving my burdens to God is a consistent, continual process on my part. Because my problems just don't go away because I pray about them.  God knows my heart and He knows your heart.  He knows our struggles when we want to give things to Him so He can carry us.  But He also knows how hard it is for us not to pick them right back up.  God knows us inside and out.  He created us in our mother's womb.

So as you continue through your week, remember that whatever struggles, problems, battles, or emotions you might be facing, try to continually give them to God.  Be weary before Him on a consistent basis and allow Him to carry you. For a little more encouragement, watch the following video on you tube.

Mark Schultz - He Will Carry Me

I Crashed

Christmas break came to an end in our house Wednesday morning.  I spent most of the day trying to reclaim myself and my house!  Christmas this year was somewhat overshadowed by Paul switching to another surgery practice and the immense amount of work that came with that.  We were also still focused and busy with helping Nathan continue the work out of his current situation (see previous blog for details).  Christmas came and went, with surprisingly no anxiety attacks.  I even had a house load of people, mainly family, which is typically a big anxiety trigger for me.  That's a tough one for even me to get sometimes.  I love my family and want to spend time with them, but when the house is full of guests for multiple days, I feel trapped with nowhere to escape.  Plus, company throws my normal schedule and routine off which is another anxiety trigger for me.  However, this year I enjoyed the company and my house being full.  I was feeling pretty darn good about myself.  All I have handled in the last four weeks and how well I handled it.  It was only through God's help though.  I just got up each morning and said, "Okay God, give me the strength to get through this day."  And I'm not a day to day person either.  But...that was just the calm before the storm.

For those of you reading the blog who take medication for depression, have you ever just stopped taking it for whatever reason?  Not a good idea at all.  I ran out of my medication while we were in the middle of switching insurance policies for Paul's new practice.  I hadn't taken my medication since Sunday.  I'm not talking about "my little peach pill," I'm talking about my main depression medication.  Everything started to come crashing down around me on Wednesday as I still had no meds in my system.  I cried over anything and everything.  By the end of the day, my nerves were shot.  Let's just say Wednesday night was not my finest, most patient time of parenting.  Doesn't it seem like your children behave worse on the days you are struggling?  What is up with that?  I briskly walked into mine and Paul's room at least two times that night during the "shower and get ready for bed" routine saying, "Okay, I'm about to crash, you gotta take over!"  Poor man, he feels so helpless when I am struggling.  I did make it through the night to face the morning.  "Joy comes in the morning," right?  Well, not Thursday morning.  The only word I can use to describe my son's behavior that morning is "punk."  That's right - a complete and utter punk.  So, I dropped the kids off at school came home and went back to bed.

I did get my medicine on Thursday and my emotions have already began to calm.  God has been using the following two scriptures to reach my heart and to teach me.  My next blog post will focus on these verses. 

• Matthew 11:28: "Come to me all you who are weary and heavy laden, and I will give you rest." 
• Psalm 63:7:  "Because You have been my help, Therefore in the shadow of Your wings I will rejoice.  My soul follows close behind You; Your right hand upholds me."

Until next time - hang in there!